2 months left (asi)

I've really neglected this. I guess i've felt that in a way the months have smeared together- my feelings here have been essentially unchanged. I have good days and bad days but they are no longer strongly distinguishable. I havent had a break down in a long time- I haven't even cried. Nothing has been bad. But if i'm being really honest, things haven't been good either. in that they havent been great. i feel like this year has progressed as a sort of pendulum. I had my worst days in my first month. But i also had my best nights- and they were really remarkable. i felt at times completely ecstatic, just so excited. it progressed somewhat throughout the next few months, but it has come to the point now where I'm just solidly stuck in place. the pendulum sways occasionally, but even when i'm sad its the same dull sadness- and vice versa. i enjoy going out at night but i dont look forward to it. i know what to expect. we do the same things every weekend. i do not like school- my classmates are not people that i would ever be friends with in real life, and ive stopped feeling the need to try to befriend them. it just doesnt click. the other kids in the school are ok, but im just exhausted. i know that making friends just isnt- real. there is always a layer of pity beneath our conversations. and my words are so stilted. i am good at slovak- for an exchange student. i have read 266 pages of harry potter without using a dictionary. i speak relatively smoothly with my host families and havent used english with them in a long time. there are a few friends that i speak slovak with. but i still have that diluted, pathetic personality. i have lost so much enthusiasm- i can barely joke, i have no come backs, and intellectual conversations are essentially impossible. these things are better with my host families, so ive started to just want to be with them and not talk to anyone else. thats a bit of a lie- i have my english teacher friends that i have a good time with- in english. i have my friends that i go out with on the weekends, but i still speak so much english with them because at this point its just habitual. it would feel to weird to switch over now. and every time i try they give me about 30 seconds to show them i can speak well, i mess something up, and they go back to english. i cant stand it. in terms of the pendulum and explaining it- the first month i was both terrified and hopeful. i was so afraid that the rotary rules would wreck my exchange.. and just the whole set up of it. and at first it did in a way. i felt extremely tied down at a time when i wanted to feel my independence. eventually that feeling died down, particularly when i started becoming closer to my host families, and when i stopped wanting to go out all the time. but i was also really hopeful when i went out and made new friends and felt like a celebrity. like there was a chance that the whole year could be as magical as those few nights. eventually i learned that neither extreme was true. at this point im neither scared nor hopeful. i have two months left and things have been the same for a long time. nothing is very bad, and nothing is extraordinary.

i am admittedly in a sad-ish mood today. i never planned on writing an entry like this. any other day i would be much more positive- but i also think that this is very realistic. to be clear im not unhappy here. and i hate blaming anything on slovakia- i feel protective of it in a way, because it really doesnt have anything to its name besides a hockey player or two. ive been thinking if i would have been happier in another country. and probably yes- if i had been in an exquisite environment with better food and a warmer climate.. yes. but that really only applies to italy and southern france. so theres not too much i can blame on slovakia.

i dont know how much ive changed. i cant put my finger on anything. i think that i have drawn into myself when ive run into conflict, so i havent really allowed myself to change very much. i also never met anyone here who ive loved more than my friends back home. so i think they will find me largely unchanged. but i wont know until i return. i think that i just never stopped belonging in america. i wasnt running from anything, and i hadnt been lonely there in a long time. i had already been to 12 countries in europe, and then asia, south america, australia, and central america. i knew what was out there- i just didnt know what life was out there. but the life i had was already beautiful.

i wrote this today:

I feel like I’ve been living behind a window. I tap all day, and someone comes to me. But when they speak it’s the dulled sound of transference. The glass muffles their voice and I can only struggle to understand. And then I speak and they can’t hear me either, so they just tell me again and again to come out from behind the window. But all I can do is wipe it cleaner, chip through it. In the end I’m left encased in glass, and sometimes it’s just easier to remain there behind the panes alone with the fragments of the country I belonged in. And it’s in those days when they stop coming to me. I should be standing there with a hammer, pounding my fists against a wall that will never shatter, raising my voice and dancing some American dance so that they’ll laugh at me and let me out for a while. But I get tired. I can’t tap anymore, and I don’t think I want to, because I really never fell in love. I wrote when I came here that I hoped to leave with my heart split between two countries, but America has left no room for anything else. In a way I’m surprised I hadn’t known it before- how long has my heart been streaked with red soil and magnolias? And without my language I am left with so little. There are days when I forget the glass still separates me- but walking home in the rain and seeing my neighbor whom I’ve never spoken to standing in the street reminds me that he’ll never ask me to come in from the cold, or where I’ve left my umbrella, because it’s just too difficult to see through a window in the rain.

Day Before 4 Month Anniversary

Another month has passed. I would say definitively better than the last.
These last few weekends have been great. I went to two stužkovas (slovak prom), had a great weekend with my slovak friends that left me feeling really well-liked, got a lot closer to some of them (these being some of the people that id wanted to be close with but felt that sometimes i was more of a nuissance- after this past weekend i feel like they genuinely want me around, as they willingly came up to me to talk for 10 minute intervals, and were very warm).

One of the weekends i went to Bratislava (slovak capital) and Vienna for a Rotary weekend. The only bleak spot in my sunny month was the few days following this weekend. Something about throwing kids in a country where they have no prior knowledge of the language or culture, really leads to strong friendships. The relief of finally speaking english? (we all speak english to varying degrees at home, but its not ENGLISH english. its broken english, and that can be quite draining as well). the similarity of situation? the desperation for close human relationships? i guess a mixture of the three. but i have a pretty tight group there (now called the goat herd), and i miss them terribly. and its just... cool. they are different from my usual friends. much more conservative. much more american. ok two of them are canadian, but theyre similar. the americans have a pride of country, listen to country and folk music, and except for me, shoot things for fun. youve got the kid with redneck tendencies and Ds in highschool who has a matter of fact, somewhat dry sense of humor and a rebellious side, perhaps fuelled in part by a 60s infatuation. you have the precocious Shelby who comes from a poor family in a town of 2000 in ohio, listens to folk music and blurts out her thoughts before she thinks them, not really regretting it later. Throw in a Canadian horndog, driven by his passion for ladies but who possesses sincerity, a kind of puppy like charm. You have the 16 year old northern Canadian addition, with a kind of youthful arrogance and pride at hanging out with the "cooler, older rotarians"- but who obviously has a brain and loves banter- hobbies include shooting beavers in the winter. The last male in the group is from Washington, chooses the brightly colored wardrobe of the normally tech and modern music obsessed liberal youth, and is the most approachable and reassuringly welcoming kid i think ive ever met and not been annoyed by, with an easy sense of humor and a wide smile. Finally theres me, the education obsessed, southern somewhat-elitest college bound, widely travelled but largely sheltered (by a comfortable existence, not by secretive or conservative parenting) chick, with a love of country, bad music, pretentious reading, and men. its a wide variety, and im in love with it.

On the Slovak side--
My best friends are home for the next month or two, for Christmas break and exams. Hence I was able to go out again last night (a sunday), learn to play billiards (badly), and spend my last 5 euros of cash on a taxi back. But its always worth it. The day before I had gone out also of course, but it was following something that made my weekend and my stay here a little bit more reassuring. I went to my friends house with a few other guys to watch a movie on how the American government planned the 911 attacks. First you have to know that a couple Slovaks will never get me to believe that America planned it (and not only because of blind patriotism, but because of theoretical reasons i just cant shake). Second, I was up against three older guys who are convinced it happened. It wasnt the movie or the topic that made it special.. almost essential to me. Its the fact that i watched a movie, any movie, at a friends HOUSE. that is one thing ive been really missing here. i never go over to friends houses. im never invited, unless its for a party, and i never invite anyone to mine, because i get the feeling its not a big part of the culture... or something. i dont know. but my brothers have never had anyone over, so it doesnt seem normal. everyone meets each other at a pub or a cafe. everyone goes out at night. but people HAVE to go over to each others houses. my friends all have a familiarity with their friends parents and houses. so when does it happen? because it seems like its such a big part of feeling close to someone. and i think its one thing thats been making me feel still like an outsider.. even though i have lots of friends, lots of warmth, lots of invites. but this movie night was nice.

still going to the gym (although zoto has a broken computer, and we havent been able to talk when not at the gym. this is starting to get to me- i need my best friend back!), and now ive added a once a week cafe-trip for tea with my velmi pekný friend patrik. really rounds out the weeks.

only one more day of school, followed by a surprise birthday party for my friend Vicky, and Ill be on Christmas vacation. During break, Ill switch families. Since I already know my second family pretty well, this isnt a scary change. It will be really nice to live in roznava, because ill have more mobility, but i will miss my current family. we will see.

have many more thoughts, but this entry is getting pretty long. to be continued...

3 Month Anniversary

My three month anniversary-
this is a landmark day.
Mostly because im supposed to know Slovak by now.
However, as any exchange student in Slovakia will tell you, that's just not going to happen.

My Language Ability:
Today I had a three hour conversation in Slovak with my host father. Yesterday I had another three hour conversation in Slovak with my host father. Unfortunately I can barely have a five minute conversation in Slovak with anybody else. Duso (host father) knows exactly how much I know, which words, and how to speak slowly and clearly. This results in me feeling very confident about my Slovak ability, and then talking to somebody else, failing miserably, and having my self esteem plummet.

It really just means I need time. The bottom line is that my language ability is whats keeping me back right now. I have had many a depressed day, mostly because sometimes it feels like I can't get really close to very many people. And I feel like a nuissance, because people will have to constantly switch languages and translate for me. So sometimes I don't want to go out at night because i want to give my friends "a break," even if they don't actually want one. (this has only caused me to not go out once, and i was also pretty tired that day, but it is just a hovering feeling). However, after I talk to the other exchange students in Slovakia, it seems like I know a lot more than they do. I am the only exchange student in my town, my family takes a great interest in me and always talks to me, I study during school a lot, I have many Slovak friends. Those are all great tools for me to learn the language, that other people (especially in big cities) don't necessarily have. So I think I am actually doing pretty well, it is just hard for me to see that, and even harder for Slovaks to see that. Especially since my town has a habit of grooming excellent Slovak speakers.

I am also making a new friend in my art class. Surprisingly, she is female. I have an extreme shortage of female friends. She is part of a very different crowd than I have so far been introduced to, so I think it could be interesting being friends with her. She is also quite good at understanding my pidgin Slovak, and speaks to me in Slovak (that is also clear and slow) without me having to ask. So that is exciting.

Going out is still fun, but its become much more ordinary. I haven't been able to stay out very late recently and go dancing, so it has been mostly just hanging out and talking. The celebrity feeling is nearly gone, and I am all in all less interesting. But that only means that Slovakia is my life right now- it is setting in.

I think I will have to steal this from Benny--

3 Things That are Different Here

1. Men are much more chivalrous. Open doors for girls, pay for everything, etc. They know the rules of etiquette. It's quite nice.

2. When class ends, they don't have a bell. Instead they have a song play over the loud speaker (only intrumental, and only cheesy instrumental with heavy use of the xylophone). The songs range from classical to John Lennon to the Beach Boys to Abba to Broadway. This reflects the overall atmosphere of school- pretty casual, much less cutthroat, very friendly... For instance it's a small school, so there is very little drama involving "the popular kids" or different cliques. It seems like most people get along pretty well. Also, there are 10 minute breaks between every class (and classes are only 45 minutes), with a 20 minute break in there somewhere. Also, the only goes till at the latest 2. On thursdays i get out at 11:10. However there are many tests and a good deal of homework- so its not just all play.

3. People are much more homophobic here. It's not something I run into often, although my friend in a larger city has, but there are no openly gay kids in the school, and very few in the town. My friend once told me that there are two gay people in Roznava. When i said i was pretty sure there must be more than 2, and that some were probably just not open, he responded with "wait, what??? really???" I don't think there is much anger (for instance people dont HATE gay people, or even dislike them necessarily), but rather a general repulsion. Quite sad, but also the norm throughout so much of the world.

Note from a weekend

There is certainly a kind of ecstacy in feeling like a celebrity. Just got back from another fantastic night out in Roznava, full of fuzeball and dancing, and I'm feeling incredibly loved and accepted. And more than that, I am like a star. People kept telling me not to leave, wanted to dance with me, coaxing me into staying... lovely. It is hard not to live for the weekends.

One Month

A few days ago held my one month anniversary in Slovakia--
Its actually a pretty crazy thought. Ive had a few thousand transitions already. My initial excitement lasted about three days, then I went into crisis mode for the next three days, then came grudging acceptance, and finally, after a night out on the town, a new kind of happiness.
During crisis mode, I desperately needed my one month anniversary. I needed to be able to count the year- a marker. But now that I'm really liking it here, dividing up the year is kind of scary. I'm 1/10 done. That can't be right...
One thing I really appreciate about my exchange is that I have real friends here. I have a best friend- I go to the gym with him twice a week and talk to him every night, another close friend who is studying in Bratislava (Matus- he is wonderful. I wish I could see him more than once a week), my host sister Veronika, my English teacher Eva, and a group of fantastic guys that I go out with on the weekends. But what really strikes me is that the friendships are genuine. I talk to the same people every night, and hang out with them regularly. I feel very accepted by them.

Almost all of my friends are guys. This is actually perfectly fine with me- I only need a few female friends (which i have in veronika and eva), but i love having a big group of boys. Generally all the IMs I get are from the guys at my school, and I'll talk to several of them at a time on any given night. I love them.
Another trend is that almost all of my friends are not at my school. They are all studying in Kosice- this means I don't get to see them during the week, with the exception of Zoto (gym-buddy), who commutes to Kosice, Veronika, who is in another high school, and Eva (I see her every day in class, and visit her on the weekends- tomorrow morning I'm going grape picking with her family). I like the kids in my class, but I generally don't see them after school, and I am beginning to make friends with a group of guys that arent in my class. Tomorrow I am going out with everyone, including those guys, so I am incredibly excited.

One side effect of not having any homework besides studying Slovak, is that all my free time ends up in very long, routine weeks, spent longing for the weekend. Going out on Friday or Saturday is the high point of my week- it's absolutely fantastic, I love my friends, I'm even starting to like dancing. Sort of. But at the same time, if I can't go out one weekend, it's devastating. I have to go two weeks without seeing the people I love, and the days begin to look the same... I really hope I can become good friends with this group of guys, so I can hang out with them during the week instead of just going home...

My host family is fantastic. Extremely nice, and definitely take an interest in me. It is a little bit hard living in a village, because I have to rely on them for transportation, and I always feel bad asking them to drive me somewhere. But so far there haven't really been any problems.

My slovak is coming along... I know more than some of the other exchange students I've talked to, but that is not saying a lot. i usually speak more slovak when talking on IM, because i can think more about what im saying, and i can understand their slovak because i can look at it. naturally, i am much better at reading slovak than understanding it. Im having a contest with Eva's boyfriend tomorrow- English vs Slovak.. who knows more? He's going down.

Week 1

I arrived here in Slovakia on Sunday, was greeted by the Ferencs, my first host family, and immediately realized my luggage had not arrived. We drove to a mall for the essentials and a chicken gyro, and then on through the Slovak countryside. Our first stop was not Krasne Horke, but another small country village, which is where my second host family, the Zubriczkas, live in the summer and weekends. It was a beautiful village, though a little run down in areas. Veronika and Kaja, my host sisters in my second family, took me through the streets to a futbal match where we proceeded to point out all the cute men "zladky in light green!! ohh number 4 has nice hair!" We returned to the house for dinner and home-made wine from the Zubriczka vineyards, and bowls of grapes and an odd sort of plum. Veronika speaks Anglicky, and when everybody kept laughing, she translated her father- "We are laughing because we are happy, because our exchange student is so nice and beautiful." D´akujem pekne.
We finally left for Krasne Horke, a tiny village underneath a lovely, well preserved castle. The Ferencs have a very nice home and what is basically a small farm. They have tri dogs, tri cats, ducks, turkeys, pigeons, a snake, fish, chickens, cockatoos, and probably more. Opening the fridge reveals speckled eggs, and theres a kitten in the shed.
My parents speak very little English, and I speak even less Slovak, but putting our skills together, and with the considerable help of my translating 12 year old brother Jakub, we communicate fairly well. I add more words to my binder every day, and Nasta tells me I learn quickly.
Matus has offered to show me around Roznava and take me hiking, which Im excited for.
Veronika told me today that my host father is going to take me to the Procreator. "You need to go to the Procreator. No.. Prosecutor. Prosecutor." Pretty funny.
I dont start school for another week. Not sure how excited I am for that.

Last Week in Morgantown

I have less than a week left in Morgantown, and reality is slowing setting in. I don't know that I'm excited to leave- more apprehensive. And sad. It's hard to leave when my friends are just piling in from vacation and I have my first real conversation with the man from Chico's I've had a huge crush on all summer (his looks are exquisite). But I'm going, kicking and screaming, to frigid cold Slovakia, and all I can do is stay somewhat detached. When I give formal goodbyes I miss the place too much- and I'm big on ceremony. I've heard over and over again that this is the adventure of a lifetime. I hope not. I want this to be the adventure that launched the adventure(s) of a lifetime. I don't want this to be the best year of my life; just an interesting one.

I have a friend there already, but he's leaving three weeks after I arrive. I'm hoping to go hiking with him before he leaves though (in some ways Roznava is not unlike Morgantown). We'll see how that goes. It's nice to have a friend already there waiting for me, however fleeting.

For now though, I'm going to enjoy Morgantown, realize the love for it I've kept locked up behind teenage angst and chem tests.

Jacqueline